Nighttime hypervigilance

I hear a thump and my insides shake, someone’s in the house, they’re in the kitchen, I can hear them moving around, as I stand I grab the mug of chamomile tea, cup it in my hand, handle wrapped around my fingers, I’ll toss the liquid in his face swing the mug at his nose his eyebrows, the tears and blood will make it so he can’t see then I can run. I listen, no further sound, he is - or they are, there’s probably more than one - waiting for me, heard me get up.

The small white cat with the gray and brown spots keeps purring, looks up at me. The cat. The other cats. No one’s in the house, it’s just my cats. God I’m so stupid clink clatter that’s the empty beer bottles I left on the kitchen table, he bumped the table no just the cats I’m safe I’m fine I’m safe thud something on the floor just a cat jumping off the counter but what if I’m wrong, car door slams outside, they’ll be at my front door in a minute, I’ll go out the side door. I step into the hall, flip on the light, the orange cat’s on the coffee table in the living room. She was the sound in the kitchen no one is in the kitchen I clutch my mug no one is in the kitchen swing for his eyes, the sides of his cheeks mash them between mug and teeth, hit soft parts with harder parts, the face is especially vulnerable I turn on the kitchen light.

The cats follow, purring, rubbing their heads at my ankles. No one else is in the kitchen. Of course. I knew that. Why didn’t I know that? I’m so stupid, scared like a girl, I’m a grown-ass man slam what the fuck another car door, this time it’s real it’s really happening this time gust of wind, a thump, treebranch on the side of the house just a tree branch, nothing is happening. I take deep breaths, pay attention to my posture, neck tall ribcage down shoulders externally rotated. These are normal night sounds in a normal house in a normal place at a normal time and no one is in any danger. I turn on all the lights, check the locks on the front and back doors, the window locks, you’re a ridiculous dumbfuck this is silly you’re a grown man frightened by his own cats, you’re pathetic and I get into a shouting match with myself and with my parents in my head this is not helping shouting is not calming. Everything’s fine.

Feet screwed out, squeeze ass, ribs pulled down, neck tall, shoulders rotated. This is a sensible adaptive response to circumstance and that circumstance no longer obtains. Ribs down, neck tall, flat back, breathe into tight abs. I’ll make another cup of tea. Everything’s fine.