The threat is the fun part
The instructor grabs the rope with both hands and leans back, sits down into a low squat. The metal ring pulls away from the wall, the knot tightens, the rope goes taut. I swallow, wipe my hands on my pants, picture him stumbling backwards. He stands back up.
“Like that, that’s how you test it.”
He hands me the rope.
“You try.”
It held his body weight, it will hold mine, I tell myself. My body doesn’t listen though. My mouth goes dry and apparently the added available moisture lets my palms sweat even more. I picture myself falling on my ass, imagine the smirks, the expressions of pity.
I lean back, squat down.
“Really pull on it, like you’re trying to pop the pin out of the wall.”
The rope stretches slightly.
“Go ahead and stand up.”
I do.
“That test puts enough body weight that you know you tied it right. You don’t have to do this every time but it’s good when you’re first learning, it beats the hell out of falling and breaking something, or dying. And remember that, climbing means trusting you life on your knots. Hardware almost never fails. People fail to tight knots right way, way more often.” He smiles. “Good work. That’s a good knot! I’d trust my life on it. ”
I laugh. “Awesome. I was nervous about the knots, I think because I’m afraid of heights.”
“Me too.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I think everyone who gets excited about climbing is afraid of heights. That’s part of the fun, the adrenaline rush. And the satisfaction of doing something even though you’re scared, you’re in charge instead of the fear being in charge.”
“So your fear of heights hasn’t gone away?”
“Oh no. I mean, it’s lessened, but it’s there as much as ever most of the time. My heart doesn’t beat hard like it used to but the fear’s still there.”
“I kinda hoped my fear of heights would go away if I climbed enough.”
“Climbing wouldn’t be fun anymore if you stopped being afraid of heights. Or it would be a lot less fun. You probably wouldn’t be excited about climbing anymore. I mean, it’s a good work out and I like being outside, but you could just go to the gym for a workout and go hiking to get yourself outside. Being up high feels threatening. The threat is the fun part.”