the three kids are the evidence

I read something the other day that said that it’s common for this to happen, where a marriage as people age the sex declines. That’s a real negative term though, ‘declines’. I prefer to call an efficiency increase. You can think of this as not doing the sex as often, or you can think of this as saving times and effort. I see it as retirement. I’m the sexual equivalent of a guy who goes fishing all the time - I lay around and nothing happens and nothing happening is the whole the point.

Now, I know, a guy looking like me, and I am at least as ugly on the inside too, people are not surprised to learn I don’t do the sex with great frequency. I’m not particularly insecure about this, but what I am is pedantic. I care about factual accuracy. That’s why I’m telling you I got three kids. That is proof, definitive proof that I have done the sex three times with the wife. I’ve done the sex and she made the sex into a baby and that’s how you know I did it. Three times.

I used to go around saying this to people a lot. I’d meet people and I’d go ‘now I know what you’re thinking, this guy has never done the sex but look, these are my three kids, and that’s proof, I’ve done the sex at least three times.’ I have to admit this made for some awkward moments at children’s birthday parties - children’s birthday parties are one of the only times I leave the house, what with having three kids. So eventually I stopped saying this to people. Mostly because my kids and I stopped getting invited to birthday parties.

And it was partly because of my friend Stewart. Stewart, he’s a real skeptic. He was raised in the Church then gave up the faith. I call it the Church and the faith as a mark of respect, because that’s what definite articles are for. To show the respect. You may have noticed I didn’t say The Stewart, just Stewart. No definite article. No respect. Fuck Stewart. In a non-sexual, highly efficient way, I mean.

The reason I don’t respect him, it’s because he left the Church. It’s not that I don’t respect non believers. I’m not religious myself. It’s just that nobody like a quitter. But Stewart — that’s what I call him, instead of the Stewart I call him Butt Stewart, he hates that nickname and he says “I hate that nickname! It stinks!” and I say “I didn’t ass your opinion!” That’s a dumb pun but it still cracks me up. Anyway though my butty Stewart, butt Stewart ass I like to call him, butt Stewart he’s real skeptical, I think from his experience rejecting the faith and the church. Plus he’s mad at me for calling him butt Stewart constantly. So one time he was like “those kids you hang around with, they aren’t proof of sex, you could have adopted them!” and I said “hey! That’s disrespectful! Call it The sex! It’s a lot of work, the sex, all that moving around and all the uncertainty and disappointment, it’s hard work, and it should be treated with due respect.” Butt Stewart says “you’re missing the point” and points - he does like that with his finger, a good up in the air index finger point “you’re missing the point!” and it’s like yeah because your aim sucks, what are you pointing at, the ceiling? Butt Stewart says “you’re missing the point! The point is your kids could be adopted!” and I say “don’t think I haven’t considered that, but the wife would never agree to it” and butt Stewart says “you’re missing the point!” again, and again with the finger thing and he says “maybe they’re not your real kids, maybe you adopted them, like a fake ID, like a fake sexual drivers license, so they seem like evidence that you’ve had sex but they’re not real evidence, sexual forgeries.” And I say “are you calling me a liar? I did the sex to make each one of them kids! I am offended you would say that, I worked hard doing the sex to make those kids! It was easily an hour’s work, total.” And butt Stewart he says “No I’m not saying you didn’t have sex, of course I trust you, I’m just saying that a stranger who doesn’t know you doesn’t have to trust you. As far as the stranger knows you adopted those kids. Or you’re not even their parent at all. Especially if you’re showing people photos on your phone, they could be photos you just found on the internet.” So that’s the thing, trust, it’s, it’s a thing, in relationships, trust, it’s a part of relationships, a thing, it’s, trust, it’s - right.

So. Butt Stewart had a point here, and as a pedant I had to accept it. My evidence wasn’t as conclusive as I would have liked. That’s why we don’t have a fourth kid, because what’s even the point if no one’s going to believe me anyway. And I don’t want to care, but I do, because I care about the truth, the facts. The earth is round, the climate is getting warming, and I’ve done the sex. I might have my wife sign a document or something, or maybe I’ll write it on the wikipedia: Nate is a three time doer of the sex. You know something’s the truth if it’s on the wikipedia. And see, this is the kind of thing I have time to do now, I have several more minutes a month that I can use to write on wikipedia now that I’m retired from doing the sex. You young people with your inefficient lives, squandering your days doing the sex, just know that this is what you have to look forward to.